My life has zero direction and the only logical thing I can think to do, as I feel like the ground is crumbling beneath my feet, is write on tumblr about it. This is the quickest place I can get all the thoughts out of my head at. My body is literally shaking all over. It started about a half hour ago. Actually, let’s be honest, it started weeks ago and it’s what caused the ruin of my relationship. But I think it all collapsed on me a half hour ago. I’ve been trying to write a lab report about crayfish for my animal behavior lab. I have been avoiding it like it’s a plague. All this time, I’ve been wondering why I’m trying to avoid it so badly and then it hits me as I am staring aimlessly at the 200+ pages of research I have in front of me—- I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT. I don’t care about crayfish. I don’t care about their aggressive tendencies and their hierarchal social systems. I really don’t give one shit and this is why I haven’t been able to write it.
This sounds small, but as I’m approaching my senior year and I only have two more psychology classes to take to finish my undergraduate major…I’m realizing this is nowhere close to what I want to do with my life.
I’ve done really well in university, making dean’s list each semester…BUT WHY? What is the point? I don’t see a point.
I had such big hopes and dreams for myself, how did I forget them? Who am I now? What is this fucking life I’m living because right now it’s something I never would have imagined for myself 4 years ago. I am a girl sitting here writing a lab report about crayfish and I have no idea why.
Life is moving so quickly and I’m getting so lost and I just wish I had some sort of idea of who I am. I am so frustrated of not knowing things in my life. I honestly don’t know anything and all I want is to know.
I know I need to snap out of this and just write my fucking paper but I hate that I care so much about my grades when this isn’t even what I care about. It seems pointless and if life is so short, why the hell have I been wasting my time?
I’ve met incredible people and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. I’ve experienced true love (cheesy, I know, but true) and it’s helped me grow as a person and realize what love can really be. I’ve lost that now because of these stupid feelings of uncertainty and I know I should embrace uncertainty right now, but I AM SICK OF IT.
I am a mess.
The worst part about all of this is I know I’m going to continue to stress about this STUPID FUCKING lab report, as if I actually care about it.
Who am I? I wish the answer was as simple as the question.