you fell in love with an image. an image of a girl. a girl who doesn’t even know who she is. 

will you still be in love if she ever figures it out…

I love how certain books make me feel. I get so engulfed in stories and characters and beautiful words. I started and finished a novel called The Mermaid Chair tonight and it has left me yearning for something deeper in life. These are the kind of novels I love-the ones that captivate me and challenge my thinking. I wish I possessed the power to write as this author did so extraordinarily to make people feel things they never thought possible. And, I will add, it wasn’t necessarily that this was the greatest novel I have ever read; it was the words, the imagery, the depth of the ideas elicited.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense, my mind is exhausted. I feel as though my mind is dancing through the existential cosmos of my universe. 

I’m going to sleep now, where dreams of mermaid tears await. 

I realized some things about myself today:

1. I’ve eaten a disgusting amount of s’mores this summer and not one of them has been outside. Isn’t that ironic? (microwaveable s’mores are just as delicious, I swear it.)

2. I really don’t need caffeine to get through my day and I’m pretty proud of that, oddly enough.

3. I wear far too much black. 

4. I really need to get my disposable camera developed.

5. I eat too much.

6. The Black Keys seriously rock my world.

7. uh

8. I’ve been wearing the same contact for over 3 months now… LOL.

9. I love arts and crafts, I wish someone would give me $500,000 and I didn’t have to work every day and I could just craft shit all day long.

10. I just want to end on an even number because I’m kind of OCD. 

Just for the hell of it, I’m re-reading some of my old forgotten about posts and obviously I am a redundant dreamer of all things that I am not capable of actually doing.

The evidence: http://dream-weaverr.tumblr.com/post/4384524560/wants-vs-needs

So basically, this is not the first time I’ve felt this way and it won’t be the last. Well, isn’t that a little disheartening. Can I really not change or am I just not putting forth a good enough effort?

Actually, I had more than one. I think. Since I like lists I think I’ll start with a list, so maybe just maybe, I may actually make sense.

Things I have thought about a great deal today:

• Far too often, I realize something that bothers me about a person and then I focus on that little quirk or characteristic and it bothers me more and more. Soon, more things bother me about that person after I realize that one thing I am not fond of. But, what if I reversed my thinking? What if instead of focusing on what bothers me about a person, I look for the good in a person and focus on that? Maybe the opposite would happen if I went that route. Maybe I will realize more and more things that make that person beautiful and begin to accept those ‘bothersome’ traits. 
• I’d really like to live in London. 
• I have been living way too much for the future. I think it hit me today just how important it is to truly live in the moment. I’m always thinking to myself, “well this can’t work because in two years, everything will be very different.” Why can’t I just feel what I feel now? I mean actually let myself feel what I’m feeling and just go with that instead of always hurrying toward the future. I understand some things need to be thought about in advance and can’t just be acted out on a whim, but I think I live for the future to a fault. I worry too much about it. I need to accept how I feel now and go by that, not by what could be. 
• The pavement really smells heavenly after a rain in the summertime.
• It might be a silly pipe dream that is nothing but something to be laughed at, but I am going to fly. I am going to fly and I am going to write.

A vague last bullet point that needs explaining. If anyone actually reads this blog, they may recall my posts going on and on about my desire to travel and how it just doesn’t seem realistic. That is honestly all I want to do. I want to breathe cultures. I want to dance in stardust in some forgotten land. I want to hear folk tales that have never and will never be written down. I want to actually start living my questions. (reference the quote on my page to understand that one). 

And I have decided how I am going to do this. But it sounds so incredibly silly to write out here. It will occur after I graduate from college and it is truly the most logical thing I have ever thought of. And I am excited beyond words.  I’m also going to write every single day of this journey I plan on taking and see what comes of that, though it may just become a notebook full of nostalgia and warm memories. 

That is all for the moment. 

I wish I was breathtakingly beautiful.

how can someone you love so much and is supposed to love you so much make you feel so badly

howhowhowhowhowhowhow

not to sound like some angsty high schooler

i’m just so sad. and i miss something and i’m not even sure what it is or if it even exists. i can’t even write properly.

everything i do gets fucked up some way. all i try to do is be a good person and it always gets blown right back in my face. maybe i’m not such a good person at all. it sure doesn’t seem like it lately. and i try so fucking hard. so.fucking.hard. and it’s all for nothing. it’s all shit. 

this is such a “poor me” post but i can’t even help it. and it’s so badly written, i’m just a mess.

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Every once in awhile, I get so overwhelmed by inexplicable emotions. Consuming sadness, foreboding anxiety, distress, paranoia, overpowering loneliness; you could call it a melting pot of uneasy emotions of some sort. Uncertainty, however, is another key emotion I am consumed by. Uncertainty dwelling deep in the heart and soul of the problem because I don’t know where these feelings come from. The most puzzling aspect being my life currently is wonderful. There really isn’t much I can complain about. So, are these feelings and emotions normal? Or am I reaching a point of madness?

It’s just incomprehensible to me and I’d very much like to figure out what exactly is going on at these moments. Are these just raw human emotions that certain people are more susceptible to feeling at their greatest extent? I think that may be it. I think sometimes I feel too much. Maybe I’m just too emotional for my own good. So emotional in fact that I can’t even describe correctly how I feel because I don’t know and I don’t know why I feel the way I do. 

My mind aches. My heart does too. Maybe my soul even. 

I think yoga might be my answer.